Draft 6 : Final Draft
Title: Agony
The clouds formed a big cauliflower; the forest looked like it was wearing an ominous cap of cloud. Loud thunder boomed in the distance, lightning cracked. There was an explosion of light and head-numbing noise, Kumar started counting the lightning strikes to distract his mind from the cold, pain and terror.
The second storm exploded on them in a chaos of wind, water and noise. Spray started seeping in and both of them would soon be saturate. They were in a forest covered with rainforest trees. Then, there was an earsplitting crack; the air was filled with screams, some by the boys, and some from the villages. The lightning strike and then blackness followed by a distant thunder.
Finally, it settled down, but there was rain. Surya was shivering badly and drops of sweat were dripping down by both side of his face. Kumar gave the face of flustered look to his brother, and Surya gave him his.
The Sinhalese were attacking their village Botticaloa to revenge for the riots which the Tamil Tigers had caused. Suryas village was not targeted first, which allowed them to make preparations and escape further from the attacked area. Both of Surya and Kumar parent were involved in the riots. Their father was involved in the riot and was defending the village. Their mother however, was getting ready all items that were necessary and after passing the fully loaded bag pack for Surya, she followed her husband and went to defend with him.
“Surya, you have to take on the responsibility of an older brother from now on, you must protect your younger brother no matter what happens. Please, take care of yourselves and live,” those were the last words the heard from their mother.
Remembering what his mother had told him, Surya ran behind all the other teenagers with Kumar in hand. He was only a sixteen-years-old teenager with a nine-years-old youngster. Although he was weak, he strived on for his little brother.
Surya had hid refuge in a village up north in Sri Lanka with his brother and other survivals of his village over a year. The government had changed the university admission criteria drastically and many of the Tamils were greatly affected. The government increased the minimum marks for Tamils to get into university. Surya worked hard to gain a position in the Engineering course. His hard work paid off when he got into the course with 278 marks.
Although Surya had gave up the revenge for the Sinhalese who had attacked his village a year ago, his brother Kumar had not given it up. Kumar knew his brother will no allow him to join the LTTE. Thus, he had decided to take up arms secretly. Even though he was ten, the LTTE was glad to have another ‘comrade’. Kumar learned all the skills of self-defense and later was trained as a sacrifice bomber.
Surya was nineteen and Kumar was twelve. Despite the fact that Kumar was in the LTTE, and was always on missions around the refugee camp, Surya was completely clueless about it. It was not until one night, when Surya found Kumar out of the bunk. He hesitated and quickly went to look for him with a torchlight that flickered on and off. The LTTE had actually deployed Kumar to the front line to fight against the Sinhalese who was heading towards Jaffna. Kumar, knowing he might not survive, made an attempt to leave something behind for Surya. That night, Surya returned to the refugee and found one letter in his bunk.
My dear brother,
I am leaving to fight in the war. Please do not follow…
Take good care of yourself and live.
Kumar
Surya collapsed and sat on his bunk for the next few hours, thinking about his family members and their words. Tears streamed down his face… he picked himself up… and started running towards southern Jaffna. It was all too late when he arrived. Kumar was running towards the enemy and the next second, a boom was heard across the land. Surya walked back three steps… fell to the floor… and cowered within his hands.
In life, we will experience misery and agony. Yet, some things will just pull us up and keep pushing us on. Surya was torn apart by the loss of his parents and his only brother. Both his parents and his brother had told him to continue living and to keep himself safe. He knew this agony will be kept bottled up in him for life, but he knew that his family wanted to move on. Four years later, Surya emerged as the top pupil of the university.
( 778 words )
Draft 5 : Grammar errors
Draft 3 & 4
The clouds formed a big cauliflower; the forest looked like it was wearing an ominous cap of cloud. Loud thunder boomed in the distance, lightning cracked. There was an explosion of light and head-numbing noise, Kumar started counting the lightning strikes to distract his mind from the cold, pain and terror.
The second storm exploded on them in a chaos of wind, water and noise. Spray started seeping in and both of them would soon be saturate. They were in a forest covered with rainforest trees. Then, there was an earsplitting crack; the air was filled with screams, some by the boys, and some from the villages. The lightning strike and then blackness followed by a distant thunder.
Finally, it settled down, but there was rain. Surya was shivering badly and drops of sweat were dripping down by both side of his face. Kumar gave the face of flustered look to his brother, and Surya gave him his.
The Sinhalese are attacking their village Botticaloa to revenge for the riots which the Tamil Tigers had caused. Surya’s village’s was not targeted first, which allowed them to make preparations and escape further from the attacked area. Both of Surya and Kumar parent were involved in the riots. Their father was involved in the riot and was defending the village. Their mother however, was getting ready all items that are necessary and after passing the fully loaded bag pack for Surya, she followed her husband and went to defend with him.
“Surya, you have to take on the responsibility of an older brother from now on, you must protect your younger brother no matter what happens. Please, take care of yourselves and live,” those were the last words the heard from their mother.
Remembering what his mother had told him, Surya ran behind all the other teenagers with Kumar in hand. He was only a sixteen-years-old teenager with a nine-years-old youngster. Although he was weak, he strived on for his little brother.
Surya had hid refuge in a village up north in Sri Lanka with his brother and other survivals of his village over a year. The government had changed the university admission criteria drastically and many of the Tamils were greatly affected. The government increased the minimum marks for Tamils to get into university. Surya worked hard to gain a position in the Engineering course. His hard work paid off when he got into the course with 278 marks.
Although Surya had gave up the revenge for the Sinhalese who had attacked his village a year ago, his brother Kumar had not given it up. Kumar knew his brother will no allow him to join the LTTE. Thus, he had decided to take up arms secretly. Even though he was ten, the LTTE was glad to have another ‘comrade’. Kumar learned all the skills of self-defense and later was trained as a sacrifice bomber.
Surya was nineteen and Kumar was twelve. Despite the fact that Kumar was in the LTTE, and was always on missions around the refuge, Surya was completely clueless about it. It was not until one night, when Surya found Kumar out of the bunk. He hesitated and quickly went to look for him with a torchlight that flickered on and off. The LTTE had actually deployed Kumar to the front line to fight against the Sinhalese who was heading towards Jaffna. Kumar, knowing he might not survive, made an attempt to leave something behind for Jaffna. That night, Jaffna returned to the refugee and found one letter in his bunk.
My dear brother,
I am leaving to fight in the war. Please do not follow…
Take good care of yourself and live.
Kumar
Surya collapsed and sat on his bunk for the next few hours, thinking about his family members and their words. Tears streamed down his face… he picked himself up… and started running towards southern Jaffna. It was all too late when he arrived. Kumar was running towards the enemy and the next second, a boom was heard across the land. Surya walked back three steps… fell to the floor… and cowered within his hands.
In life, we will experience misery and agony. Yet, some things will just pull us up and keep pushing us on. Surya was torn apart by the loss of his parents and his only brother. Both his parents and his brother had told him to continue living and to keep himself safe. He knew this agony will be kept bottled up in him for life, but he knew that his family wants to move on. Four years later, Surya emerged as the top pupil of the university.
( 777 words )
Draft 2 : Introduction
The clouds formed a big cauliflower; the forest looks like it was wearing an ominous cap of cloud. Loud thunder boomed in the distance, lightning cracked. Suddenly, the storm was on them. Surya and Kumar were all soak and exhausted from the climb. There was an explosion of light and head-numbing noise, Kumar started counting the lightning strikes to distract his mind from the cold, pain and terror.
The second storm exploded on them in a chaos of wind, water and noise. Spray started seeping in and both of them would soon be saturate. They were in the forest covered with rainforest trees. Then, there was an earsplitting crack; the air was filled with screams, some by the boys, and some from the villages. The lightning strike and then blackness followed by a distant thunder.
Finally, it settled down, but there was a time of ten minutes that there was only rain. Surya was shivering badly and drops of sweat were dripping down by both side of his face. Kumar gave the face of flustered look to his brother and Surya gave him his.
( 184 words )
Draft 1
The clouds formed a big cauliflower; the forest looks like it was wearing an ominous cap of cloud. Loud thunder boomed in the distance, lightning cracked. Suddenly, the storm was on them. Surya and Kumar were all soak and exhausted from the climb. There was an explosion of light and head-numbing noise, Kumar started counting the lightning strikes to distract his mind from the cold, pain and terror.
The second storm exploded on them in a chaos of wind, water and noise. Spray started seeping in and both of them would soon be saturate. They were in the forest covered with rainforest trees. Then, there was an earsplitting crack; the air was filled with screams, some by the boys, and some from the villages. The lightning strike and then blackness followed by a distant thunder.
Finally, it settled down, but there was a time of ten minutes that there was only rain. Surya was shivering badly and drops of sweat were dripping down by the side of his face. Kumar gave the face of flustered look to his brother and he gave him his.
The Singhalese are attacking their village Botticaloa to revenge for the riots which the Tamil Tigers had caused. Surya's village's was not targeted first, which allowed them to make preparations and escape further from the attacked area. Both of Surya’s and Kumar parents were involved in the riot. Their father was involved in the riot and was defending the village. Their mother however, was getting ready all items that are necessary and after passing the fully loaded bag pack for Surya, she followed her husband and went to defend with him.
“Surya, you have to take on the responsibility of an older brother from now on, you must protect your younger brother no matter what happens. Please, take care of yourselves and live,” those were the last words they heard from their mother.
Remembering what his mother had told him, Surya ran behind all the other teenagers with Kumar in hand. He was only a sixteen-years-old teenager with a nine-years-old youngster. To make things worse, he was down for fever and to only recover the day before, which made him very weak on the day of departure. Although he was weak, he strived on for his little brother.
Upon reaching the age of seventeen, every teenage of the family was made compulsory to attend University. Surya had hid refuge in a village up north in Sri Lanka with his brother and other survivals of his village over a year. He was turning seventeen in a few weeks time. Recently, the government had changed the university admission criteria drastically and many of the Tamils were greatly affected. The government increased the minimum marks needed for most subjects for the Tamils and this had agitated the students who were taking the courses. Surya wanted to join the Tamil Tigers to turn against the government and bring justice to his race. Yet, when he saw Kumar again that afternoon, his mother’s words rang through his mind. ‘…you must protect your younger brother no matter what happens,’ recalling her words, Surya dropped the idea and worked hard to gain a position in the Engineering course. His hard work paid off when he got into the course with 278 marks.
Although Surya had gave up the revenge for the Sinhalese who had attacked his village a year ago, his brother Kumar had not given it up. Kumar knew his brother will not allow him to join the LTTE. Thus, he had decided to take up arms secretly. Even though he was ten, the LTTE was glad to have another ‘comrade’. They were even more surprise when Kumar learned all the skills of self-defense and later was trained as a sacrifice bomber. All this period of time, Surya was concentrating on his studies and had somehow cared less about Kumar than he normally does.
Surya was nineteen and Kumar was twelve. Despite the fact that Kumar was in the LTTE, and was always on missions around the refuge, Surya was completely clueless about it. It was not until one night, when Surya found Kumar out of the bunk. He hesitated and quickly went to look for him with a torchlight that flickered on and off. The LTTE had actually deployed Kumar to the front line to fight against the Sinhalese who was heading towards Jaffna. Kumar, knowing he might not survive, made an attempt to leave something behind for Jaffna. That night, Jaffna returned to the refugee and found one letter in his bunk.
“My dear brother, I am leaving to fight in the war. Please do not follow… Take good care of yourself and live, Kumar.”
Surya collapsed and sat on his bunk for the next few hours, thinking about his family members and their words. Tears streamed down his face… he picked himself up… and started running to southern Jaffna. It was all too late when he arrived.
( 829 words )
As a teenage girl, I would never see the need to worry about money. Money problems would normally be solved by parent and that’s just what my parents did. I started to realize that the term, money, is important in society and in order to gain it, we will have to work. Some hobbies I have would be; reading a book whenever I feel bored, playing online games once in a while, practicing pieces on the oboe for upcoming concerts and doing D.I.Y products, mostly sewing. Some of the things I like will be having friends around and just chat about life. Thing I rather dislike will be people who disturb by making unnecessary noise and thus became distracted. Normally on days which I have nothing better to do, I would pick up just pick up a book which was about to overdue and get started on it. I do not really find the urge to leave the house whenever I seek entertainment because its quite tiring being out for the whole weekdays just simply for school and Co-curriculum Activities. At school, occasionally we had classes from 7.55 a.m. to 2.20pm and from 3pm to 7pm for my Cca, band.
I realized how important a particular exercise is after my school had allocated that day as Growth day to set our target. On this day, we set a target of how much aggregate each of us would want to get in order to proceed on. This amount of marks would determine where we will go after we graduate from secondary school. I really hope that I am able to score well and get into a junior college. I started to think career options that I would be able to cope with and do well. There are a certain aspects to consider before finding a job and one of them is income rate. Should I do poorly in my academics, my career options would be lesser. Thus, I should do well in my studies so that my career options would have a variety.
I had picked Game Developer as the career of my choice because there is something about computer technology and I have a kind of passion for gaming. Maybe passion is a strong word but from my point of view, being able to create games for others to enjoy might be a good idea. At the same time, the source of income is quite high. What a Game Developer has to do is to design multiplayer online-games and mini games. They create games and collect comments from the people who had played them. In other words, they produce effective projects of high quality for clients. I hope that i would be able to get into the developers industry so that i will be able to create entertainment to destress people.
Global warming
The major cause of global warming is the emission of green house gases like carbon dioxide, methane, nitrous oxide etc into the atmosphere. The major source of carbon dioxide is the power plants. These power plants emit large amounts of carbon dioxide produced from burning of fossil fuels for the purpose of electricity generation. About twenty percent of carbon dioxide emitted in the atmosphere comes from burning of gasoline in the engines of the vehicles.
Pledge
I had pledged to on the air conditional less often, because if you on the air conditional for some time, it would add up to the global warming.
http://www.globalwarming.org.in/ Pictures.
Write about an incident when you lost something expensive.
My eyes are nearly blinded by the vivid rays of the Sun. The wind floated elegantly through the green environment. The brown surface of the soil gave an excellent velvetiness of the roughness. The indigo sky which covered the entire forest and some buildings were gracious. It is also bordered by mammals and green flora.
Today, my class was going to Singapore Botanic Garden for Science lessons. We were supposed to gather information from the information banners just next to the plants. We had to progress in groups of four and accompanied by a teacher or parents of students. I am grouped with Reena, Samuel, Yifeng and one of the parents. Each group was given a map to find their way around the Garden and then, we were off.
“Well, we should hurry and get to the first station stated on the map,” recommended Samuel, the group leader.
“Sure, I just hope we don’t get lost,” followed Yifeng.
“Or rain…” I added.
There was an eight pages booklet given to each of the members and there are many quizzes involved solving using mental skills and by going to different places to examine the places such as the pavilion. We went through it while we were having lunch and did some direct questions which can be quite straight forward. We discussed the answers with each other and talked about the nature around us.
Just then, my hand glides into my bag and started penetrating for my PSP which my brother bought for me. It was two hundred and fifty dollars in all for the electronic mechanism. It is really fun to play with and I was thinking of playing it afterwards when we had return to the school and they release us, I would be able to play while going home in my father’s van.
I was sure I had placed it in my bag before I left for school. I started to panicked, thinking of the consequences if both my teachers and my brother could find out. I though hard and clear about what I had to do then, I decided to consult my best friend, Shimin, on what to do. I really hope she would give me some suggestions.
“What? You lost your brother’s PSP?” was what she said when I explain the whole thing to her. Although I already knew what she was going to say, I really hope she would change her sentence every once in awhile.
“Yes… I lost the PSP… What am I supposed to do now…?” I yearn sorrowfully.
My palms were already soaked wet with sweats and I looked drenched from afar. My hair was a little soaked because it was starting to rain a bit. I glanced at the dark cotton-like clouds and knew this was another of my wretched day on the calendar. I knew my teacher would confiscate the PSP and my brother would banned me by not able to use the computer for two to three months.
I knew the consequences of bringing the PSP to an excursion, I did not think what would happen if I had lost it. Don’t wear a big hat when you don’t have a bigger head.
( 533 words )
“You better not be late for practice in the afternoon later!” reminded Hassinah, my Sec 3 senior for the year 2007.
“Okay, I will not bee late but I will be early… Is that okay?” I replied.
Tonight is the concert we had been practicing hard for… Metior 7. We had been rehersing the pieces since the start of March and I really hope our performance will be a success. This concert is a mixture of drama, art and music. Drama representing the skit which is going to be performed, art representing the whole item regarding the word itself. Lastly, music represented by the concert of our concert band. Since the concert starts at 7.30pm, the band members are supposed to reach by 2.20pm. we were very enthusiastic about this show we were going to put up.
I play the instrument Oboe, which is a woodwind instrument. Most bands only have one or two Oboist because an Oboe is already very loud. We are going to play a total of seven pieces, two of the pieces are going to have two ex-seniors performing solos. The songs we are going to play were Ross Roy, Ave Maria, Someone to watch over me, Bunga Sayang, Carnival, A Christmas Festival and School Song.
After reaching the band room, I set up my instrument and settled down with the rest. Attendance was taken and we started to warm up by blowing a few notes and tuning. After and hour, we started helping the percussion section moved down their heavy instruments. For your information, it is really heavy. I didn’t know how to carry the other instrument other then the one they were going to use for the song, Bunga Sayang. The conductor wanted us to rehearse the songs in the Multi Purpose Hall, so after we finished helping the percussion moved their instruments, we moved out instrument and stands. Should I known my file was so heavy if I carried it with my stand, I would have cleared it when I brought it home.
It was 5.30pm and we went back to the band room to rest awhile. Then the Seniors explained the procedure to us. The first half of the concert, which was namely item one, is for the drama, dance and other Cca to perform, while the rest of the show which is item two, the whole stage belongs to us, the band members. We were told to get ready by 7.30pm and meet in the band room and those who want to get changed will get changed by 8pm. Those who get changed before 8pm may rest in the band room till the interval is finished and every audience is back at their seats in the Hall.
Then, when everyone got settled down, we rise to greet the audience. Once we sit down, the conductor raised his hands to start his tempo. We started out with Ross Roy. The smoothing effect was good, from what I heard that is. Next, we played Ave Maria, I kind of miss the solo at one of our part and my senior tried to cover for me, and luckily the flutes took over for me by increasing its volume. After that, Someone to watch over me, by an ex-senior, then Carnival, also by an ex-senior. The Mc did not announce the next song because it was all arranged. We played Bunga Sayang and later the Mc then announced. After that, we played the last song for the night, A Christmas Festival, which consists of lots of Christmas songs. Then, and encore was played… which is Shrek Dance Party. At the last part, where we played YMCA, the entire performer, excluding the band members, went up to the stage because the next item is the School Song. After playing the School Song, some of the band members meet up with their family and some got flowers.
After that, everyone helped the percussion section move the instruments and the platform back to the forth storey. It took about five to seven people to move the platform. When we had moved finished all of the instruments, we moved the chairs. After everything is done, they briefed us on our performance that day, and was quiet an achievement made by us. It was also very depressing because this is the last performance we are playing with out Sec 4 Senior. I had really enjoyed myself through this day.
This is a memorable day, I would keep this incident close to my heart, even when I leave this concert band, I will never forget this day.
The clouds formed a big cauliflower, the forest looks like it was wearing an ominous cap of cloud. Loud thunder boomed in the distance, lightning cracked. Suddendly, the storm was on them.
Surya and Kumar were all soak and exhausted from the climb. There was an explosion of light and head-numbing noise, Kumar started counted the lightning strikes to distract his mind from the cold, pain and terror.
The second storm exploded on them in a chaos of wind, water and noise. Spray started seeping in and both of them would soon saturated. They were in the forest covered with rainforest trees. Then, there was an easplitting crack, the air was filled with screams, some by the boys, some from the villages. The lightning strike and then blackness followed by a distant thunder.
Finally, it settled down, but there was a time of ten minutes that there was only rain. Surya was shivering badly and drops of sweat was dripping down by the side of his face. Kumar gave the face of flustered look to both of his friends and they gave him theirs.
The Singhales are attacking their village to revenge for the lost of their pride.
"Hey All! I've found a mouse in the class!" exclaimed Jingting," it seems to be half-dead."
"Well... We can try feeding it with some cheese," suggested Shitieng,"or maybe we should try to give it some water."
We are in our class, Perseverance 4, in Chong Boon Secondary School. Jingting found a live animal at the corner of our classroom. We were thinking of keeping it in a cage and try to save the poor animal. I was quite upset when i saw the mouse in such a poor state, because i like animal very much.
Since that day, when we tried to give it some food and drinking water, it did not move a single bit. We tried to keep it a secret from our parents that we had reared a small maybe disease carried mouse. I hope that the small mouse get better the following day.
The following day, when we reached class at 8am, we smelt a unpleasant odour from the place where we kept our small pet. Shitieng went to check the cage, and returned us with a flustered and fearful looked.
"Our pet is dead," she choked out.
Her words were like a thunderbolt out of a clear blue sky. Both me and Jingting stared at her dumbfounded. I was frightened of looking at the body therefore; I looked away and tried to pick up the small matter with newspaper.
One Thursday, my friends and I are planning to go to escape theme park because I have 4 free tickets and my friend, Jamie, have 4 tickets. There was a total of 8 people going there. We were meeting outside Ang Mo Kio Mrt at 2pm. I was late for about 5 mins, when i reached there, i can only see 2 people waiting at the bus stop outside the mrt. I was glad i was not the last person to reach there. We bored the bus and was just on the express way, there was a traffic jam due to some construction work, so we got there at around 3:30pm. It was not so crowded and there was a machine shutdown due to the problems with the power system. We went to get some lunch before the power is back on again, we walked around the theme park and found that nothing has changed since we last came. It was pretty boring at first because only 2 people, me and Tingwei, went to sit for rides, while others went to other stations like haunted house or goal kart. After we had played till we were tired, we rested on a bench and bought food from the nearby stall. We were very tired and decided to head to the arcade when we are done.
When we reach the arcade, ZoneX, we wanted to insert some cash into our cards. Then, Tingwei found out that she had lost her wallet, we though that she might have lost it in the theme park. So me and Yiting accompanied her to the theme park and ask the customer service desk, which is located in a small air-conditioned enclosed room. Tingwei told the staff that she had lost her wallet. then, the girl behind the counter took out a black wallet with a few straps attatched to the waller's zip. Tingwei knew at once it was her wallet and took it from the hand of the staff behind the counter. Then, we headed back to the arcade after thanking the person behind the counter. We played in the arcade for about an hour then we head for dinner. We ate at the foodcourt, it was a good meal and we decides to head home when the clock on my phone shows 8:45pm. We discussed if we should ride the bus or the Mrt home, we agreed on the Mrt because it is much less noisier then the bus trip. When we reached Ang Mo kio Mrt, we alighted and went to take buses home. It was really fun that day...